Power Source

Power is something I have taken for granted most of my life.  You want to use something electronic....simply plug it in.  I have found myself in the past extremely frustrated and feeling a bit lost when the power might go out during a storm back home.  I completely take for granted that lights come on when we want them to, I have hot water due to power, and I can cook almost anything because I have an oven.  Life is a little different when that is taken away.  We have power here.... it's just all solar power.  And when you live in a place where 95% of the days are cloudy and rainy, it makes for interesting power situations.  Since we have been here, we have installed another solar panel (bringing us up to two---for 12 people...more on the expanding family in another post).

The past two nights, the battery in our room (which is charged from the solar panels), hasn't had much charge, so the single light bulb in the kid's room hasn't been working & they have had to get into pj's by flashlight.  Also, due to the crazy power issues, having a computer that is a power-hog doesn't really work here.  My computer was ancient in computer years and Mark says living on solar & battery power only sped its demise.... nonetheless, it was sad for me when he officially pronounced it dead...fried.  As Shirley Temple said...my computer has gone to be with God.

The power issues have kind of been like a metaphor for my life these days.  I haven't written much about where my heart is lately because I have been in a very low place & have been chewing on many things.    I am an extrovert in many ways and being in a very isolated location with very little community has been very difficult for me.  I have been very lonely and have questioned why the Lord would bring me here when he knows how much I depend on family and my community of friends (aside from the obvious of my husband working on the water project here).  I have struggled with the lie that everyone would be better off if we were in Knoxville--life would be easier (but that is a lie too...more on that in another post too), we wouldn't be in anyone's way (remember...12 people in one house), and we really just create more work for everyone involved.  But I recognize that this is a lie from the Great Father of Lies and that he works wonders through dispair and division and separation.  I feel like over the last few weeks what Jesus has been saying to me is, "What if that's one of the reasons I have you in this place?  What if you need a season of being lonely to show you how you have depended so much on those other people...perhaps too much.  Perhaps you need to be putting all that dependency on me."

DeeDee handed me her book the other day, Jesus Lives, by Sarah Young.  Here's what it said:

    "I want to make your life a glorious adventure, but you must stop striving for a lifestyle that feels safe.  I know how ambivalent your heart is in all of this:  You long for that adventure that a life abandoned to Me can be, and at the same time, you cling to old ways because change frightens you.  Though you feel safest when your life is predictable and things seem to be under control, I want you to break free and discover the adventures I have planned for you.
     The greatest adventures of all is knowing Me abundantly:  discovering how wide and long and high and deep is My Love for you.  The power of My vast Love can feel overwhelming.  That is why many people choose to limit their knowledge of Me, keeping Me at a distance.  How this grieves Me!  People settle for mediocrity because it feels more comfortable.  Meanwhile, they continue to battle fear.  Only My Love is strong enough to break the hold that fear has on you.  A predictable lifestyle may feel safer, but it can shield you from what you need most of all---Me!
     When unexpected events shake up your routines, rejoice.  This is exactly what you need, to wake you up and point you toward Me.  Recognize that you are on the threshold of a new adventure and that I will be with you each step of the way.  As we venture out together, cling tightly to My hand.  The more you abandon yourself to Me, the more exuberantly you can experience My Love."

So this kind of sums up where I am.  I feel like many of the things I have held very dear are being stripped away from me for this time.  And Jesus is telling me to cling to him.  Life feels completely out of my control right now...and He is telling me to cling to him.  And that predictable life I had in Knoxville felt a heck-of-a-lot safer, but he is telling me that His Love is bigger than my fears and I need only cling to him.  He is to be my power source.