Entering the Struggle

For those of you who know us well and have followed our blog, it will come as no surprise to you that this time living in Guatemala has been very difficult for me.  It really has very little to do with location, but the Lord has used the location to lead me into what you might call a desert, wilderness, dark place, or a winter.  Back in October, we were really questioning whether or not to stay because I was struggling so much.  However, in a conversation with Mark’s parent’s, Jim said, “Katy, you are struggling.  That is okay.  Enter the struggle.” 

So I have.  I have plunged into a deep pool of struggle.  At first, after that conversation, there was some peace because I was no longer struggling against the struggle.  I knew the Lord was trying to do a serious work on my heart and I was yielding to that work.  As we were home for Christmas, many rocks were overturned in my soul and I didn’t like what I saw…there was so much muck to dig through and clean out.  Again, very little of the muck has anything to do with Guatemala.  But the Lord has used the space and isolation of this place to dig.

Returning after Christmas was an excruciatingly painful thing for me to do.  I have been terribly sad and after a few weeks of constant tears, I finally admitted that I have been suffering from depression (honestly, probably for several years), but moving here, where I have no distractions, has made the depression more than I can bear on my own.  Upon the recommendation of my dear friend and counselor, as well as my doctor, I have begun taking anti-depressants.  We were hopeful that this would solve all the problems and we would be able to continue living here through our originally planned departure in May. 

However, I am not able to stay here any longer.  I have had fears about admitting that I have reached my limit and need to come home early because I have felt like I would be disappointing people.  I know I have lived too much of my life trying to make other people happy and I believe one of the things the Lord is trying to inscribe on my heart right now is that I am unconditionally loved by Him and He is the only audience I need to be living for.  Knowing the reality of that truth has given me a great deal of peace to make the decision to come home and take some time to take care of myself.

So, most of the family is moving home on March 26^th.  Mark will come with us, help us get home and sort of settled, and then he and Drew will return with a team in April and stay for a couple weeks to complete the design of the remaining projects he is working on.  Please pray for our family during this time of transition.  Those of you who know me, know that I have always been a person who wants to be super-woman and do everything perfectly.  Well…God is trying to get rid of that woman.  Our time here has taught me that I cannot do everything and I should not do everything.  I should rest in the arms of HIS LOVE. 

Thank you all for your prayers and support.  We will write more as we process and continue this journey.