Identity

Where do I find my identity...my self-worth???  This is a question I have really had to wrestle with while we have been here.  Back in February, when Mark broached tge subject with me about moving here, he was quick to mention that we would have full-time help.  At the time, that sounded completely like a dream.  You tell a mother of four small children that she can have full-time help with laundry, cooking, meal planning, grocery shopping, etc....who wouldn't jump at that opportunity?  I'm sure my friends out there reading this with small children are currently rolling their eyes and wishing they could change places with me.

And please, hear me say this very loud and clear...WE LOVE NINA!!!   She has been so good to our family and she works so hard to make life work for us here.  My struggle and wrestling has had absolutely nothing to do with anything she has or has not done.   That's my big disclaimer.

No, my struggle has been within my own heart.  What makes me a good mother??  Is my identity and self-worth wrapped up in what I can DO for my family?  Is that what makes me a good mother?   Do my husband and children love me because I keep the house livable (I won't go so far as to say clean :-)...I mean, I am being pretty honest here), keep clean clothes in their drawers, food in the pantry and dinner on the table?  Is that what makes me a good mom and is that where my value lies?  Is that what God values about me?

I think in coming here and having most of those roles removed from my life, I have realized how much of my identity and self-worth has become wrapped up in what I do.  I like a check-list and I like to check things off.  I feel like I'm valuable if I can accomplish things.  Here....I have very little to physically do.  My job--to love and support my husband and to love and care for my children...that's it!!  It has completely caught me off guard how difficult it would be for me to simply love my husband and children.

And to realize that my worth...my value...my identity---all of those things rest in one simple fact....I am a child of the KING!!!  I am his daughter and he loves me and values me.  He created me and knit me together and loved me long before I had any productive value to His Kingdom.  I can rest in that fact if I will choose to believe it.  That's the hard part for me...the believing.

But I am entering the struggle, and...a bit like Jacob in Genesis...wrestling with God to give me the eyes to see myself as He sees me and to believe it is true.